Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I'm Not Crazy

This has been quite a tumultuous week in our household. Ben has had some rough days with classmates and we are in a significant holding pattern on his school assessment with the corporation’s only liaison out of the country for two weeks. Naturally.

I’ve replayed our session with the psychiatrist repeatedly through my head:

Maybe I’m exaggerating. Tim (aka The Gentleman) doesn’t seem to think this is as big of a problem. I’m sure the rest of our family doesn’t either. Am I putting a label on Ben he has no business wearing? What am I doing to this poor kid??

I’ve never monitored this child as closely as I have in the last several days. Noting every word, tick, move, meltdown…and again, attempting to see if those pieces fit together like an apparent jigsaw. To the extent I’m losing sleep. Losing focus. Losing my sanity. The Gentleman has worked countless hours as of late so our time to really sit and sort through this monster has been limited, to say the least. After days of processing all of this on my own, I was starting to lose faith that I really do know my son…doubting my instinct, that I was likely wrong after all.

Until last night.

My mother-in-law stopped by yesterday evening to let us dog-sit during her hair appointment. The kids truly look forward to these regular visits where they can pretend that he is their very own puppy and take turns holding and chasing him throughout the house. I watched them scurry around him as I mentioned our recent doctor visit to her. And she didn’t disregard it. At all. In fact, my mother-in-law has this amazing way of validating a serious worry in a very reassuring way, not creating any alarm or cause for additional concern. Simply suggesting that it does, in fact, make some sense, pointing to some of her own observations over the years. Whew. I needed that.

The gentleman thankfully arrived home after work last night a little earlier than initially expected which allowed for some much-needed help with the bedtime routine. (Our night-time is often as explosive as our morning regimen.) After getting a brief synopsis of each other’s day we headed upstairs to initiate teeth-brushing and PJs only to find that Ben was not quite ready to finalize his TV show. Of course. An episode ensued that nearly raised the roof, ending in his declaration that he did NOT, in fact, need a blanket because he just wanted to get cold and die. Sigh.

As we settled into the couch afterward, each taking a deep cleansing breathe I shared with him the visit I had with his mom. How reassuring it was to hear that she is supportive in the progress we hope we’re making. That she too is beginning to see what I’ve witnessed. And although I appreciate the validation from her, I get the sense that the Gentleman continues to resist the label and is inclined to believe I’m exaggerating my concerns. I expressed this to him. With a very heavy heart. Suggesting that maybe this isn’t Asperger’s. To which he replied:

“Did you not just see Ben have that meltdown upstairs? If this isn’t the right track, I don’t know what is.”

Validation. The Gentleman finally sees him too.


I share this all to say “thank you”. For letting me open my life up to you. I have to say I truly feel blessed to be in the presence of some pretty wonderful bloggers and readers. This week I received some amazing accolades from a dear friend who although I’ve only known her briefly through the blogosphere, I feel as though I’ve known her for quite some time. Tara at You Know It Happens At Your House Too decided that I deserved the Liebster Award along with some very amazing ladies. Not only did she suggest that I was deserving but added some very thoughtful and heartfelt commentary on my writing. How cool is it that to read something like that after just starting this amazing journey just three months ago? I know now that putting myself out there has been worth every salty tear.

I enjoy sharing my world with you…the laughs and the heartaches. I share what I’m truly experiencing. I realize most of what I’ve written as of late has been deep, heavy, and emotionally draining. Having you all here to share these moments of discontent with has been invaluable. More than anything, expressing my concern for my son has been beyond rewarding for me. You’ve let me share tears, sarcasm, humor and have been incredibly supportive through this journey. And it doesn’t end here…in fact this is just the beginning. I do hope you all stick around.

In the meantime here is how the Liebster Blog Award works:

1. Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter on your blog.

2. Link back to the blogger who presented the award to you.

3. Copy and paste the blog award on your blog.

4. Present the Liebster Blog Award to five lesser-known blogs who you feel deserved to be noticed and give a little blurb about why you chose each blog.

5. Let them know they have been chosen by leaving a comment at their blog.

Check out the following blogs and keep your eyes open for the blogs I love to the right of my posts!

Tripping While Standing – I’ve gotten to know this lady and I don’t know how I would get through a day without her. She is always the first to throw in her support or willingness to kick someone’s butt if need-be. She’s honest, beautiful and so worth the read!

Afton’s Army – I recently began following this blog and it melts my heart with each post I read. She shares some very heartfelt thoughts on raising a gorgeous little girl with Autism. She had me at hello.

Frugalista Blog – This lady has the corner on fashion, pop culture, you name it…this girl knows it! From undergarment recommendations to female (ahem) grooming…I never read without laughing my butt off. She’s a knockout with an amazing sense of humor.

Lil’ Mama’s Musings – This little momma has her hands full, that’s for sure. She is
raising two boys and has some hilarious antics to share. She’s feisty and I LOVE it. She would totally have my back right up there with miss Tripping…at a moment’s notice.

Stepmomma – I just love her. She is mommy to a little boy and step-mommy to two more. She has some wonderful insight to successful step-parenting and isn’t afraid to share her struggles. She amazes me and certainly inspires me to do better.

Please check them out...you'll love them too!

As always...thank you for reading.




  1. I completely understand the self doubt, as your mind analyzes every little nuance that your child exhibits. As well as the concern about labeling your child with something that they will carry through the rest of their life. Questioning if you are doing the right thing...

    You are his mom, and his biggest advocate (well, in addition to the hubs). No one knows him better then you do. You have fought hard to get him help, and are doing the right thing for him.

    My heart broke when I read that he wanted to die. I have heard that recently from my ADHD kiddo, and it is such a scary thing to hear, when they say it. Even if it is in the grip of a anger outburst.

    Keep doing what you are doing, being the best advocate he can ever have :)

  2. My goodness girl...Here I sit. Crying. AGAIN!! I just love you more than you know. Despite the fact that we have never "met" (which, I think we really should remedy this sometime) I really just feel that our lives have crossed for a reason. You are amazing! Thank YOU for the kind words! XOXOXOXOXOXO

  3. Feeling validated is very important and the fact that your husband is now coming to terms is really awesome! I can imagine that is so helpful! :) A momma knows. :) big hug to you! And thanks so much for your kinds words, too!